Going back to LJ. Peace out, homies!

Crazy Cat Lady

Possible future cat names...

Female:
Nymphadora, [Stellar] Stella, Kate, Georgette, Colette, Caroline, Magdalene, Lenka, Gemma

Male:
Billy, Pippin, [By] George [I think he's got it!], Bert/Burt

Musically DeRutted

Thank you, Lenka, for pulling me out of my music rut.

Take a listen.

Children, don't breed with other species.

I am completely and utterly offended.

Just a minute... in July.

*idea taken from kissesandcrossstitches

Watching... Hopefully: Skins, Year One, and perhaps see the new Harry Potter if I can handle the chaos surrounding it in the theater. Also: Frasier!

Listening to... Sleep and meditation CDs (I have found them to be quite nice) and lots of pop music.

Reading... Nothing but textbooks, baby.

Drinking... Iced Coffees, Milk, Water, Lemonade, and Sodas; maybe I'll make some homemade lemonade (from scratch) sometime.

Wanting... A new chair for my desk (second hand is okay), furniture for the new place (sofa and a dresser for myself), a canvas for my artistic endeavors, a job, and for Huy to give my camera back and stop “forgetting” to bring it – it's mine! I want to take up photography.

Summer lovin.

When I go home in August for a month, I am going to find something I'm really good at or learn something new about myself. Bonus points for both.

Some other goals to accomplish by the end of summer:

finish some scrapbook pages

apply for scholarships

apply for study abroad programs?

look into internships (international ones, maybe?)

Will return to this list later.

Why can't we be friends?

He did mean that we shouldn't be friends anymore. I talked him out of it, I think. I'm currently thinking we can still be good friends, but perhaps I should keep some things to myself. I will apply the same boundaries I give him to myself (only mild talks of dating and "playing"). That is fair. I would keep my anxiety to myself (since he doesn't understand it), but it's a big part of me and shouldn't be something I have to hold back. Besides, I'm working on lowering my anxiety levels (I will be much happier this way); I hope it won't be a huge deal for too much longer. Maybe he used to be detrimental to my health because he added so much anxiety, but that's not an issue anymore, and I don't want anyone telling me it is. I really am fine now. Trust me, my lack of anxiety surrounding this issue says so.

And I think, despite our conflicts, we are good friends. He says that people are replaceable... to an extent, that is true. But I always kind of miss the friendships I used to have with people, and I think that makes them irreplaceable in a way. You can't forget the part they used to play in your life, and you always kind of miss them. So even though you have new friends now, you still remember and miss the old ones, and that makes them irreplaceable because you won't ever have the same friendship with your old friends again, and your new friends (despite probaby being fucking amazing themselves) won't be exactly the same as the old ones... Fuck, I don't even know if I make sense to anyone but me. Perhaps I'm just too sentimental. I also hate letting go of people. I don't want to replace Raj, and I don't want to be replaced. If I ever relapse and become the same person I was last year, I will end our friendship. However, right now, I'm in a good place.

And that is that.

Say what?

I'm not sure if Raj is implying that we're no longer friends. I'll reply to him tomorrow after I've had time to think and drink...

But I have to say this: I didn't put up with an awful year to NOT be friends with him in the end. I don't know. Maybe I'm just annoyed that he thinks he should be the one to call shots when he's the one at fault. Who knows? I certainly don't. I guess we'll see in the morning.

The ramblings of an insomniac

I've been having trouble sleeping again (no one's surprised here). I don't really think I'm upset about Bryce at all, but I'll wake up thinking about him and having that panicky feeling; it's weird because I really don't care that much about him in the daytime these days.

I'm also angry at Raj; perhaps the angry dialogues we have in my head before I go to bed doesn't help me at all. The whole not-talking-to-each-other-thing is really making me angry and anxious. I know why I'm not talking to him, but I have no idea why he wouldn't talk to me. As far as I know, he has no real reason to be upset with me. For once, I'd like him to understand my point of view and apologize. He doesn't need to appreciate that I'm his friend or anything (like I'm going to force people to feel honored that I'm their friend or something), but it's not okay to shrug off that hellish year - to say it didn't matter. It matters to me, and he's not a good friend if he can't acknowledge that it was a really bad year.

Anyway, enough sad stuff. I should probably clean the bathroom before I head out for 4th of July celebrations. This will probably be the first time in ages where I get to enjoy the 4th. I've never actually drank on the 4th, so I'm kind of excited about that. I also baked a snickerdoodle cake that should be amazing.

Interesting factoid: I got my first kiss two years ago today.
Funny, I'm not talking to him right now.

xx

You're an asshole. Did you know that?

No, Raj, that was not okay to say. Not okay, not okay, not okay.

It took me a year to get over you, and I will very damn well appreciate anyone who helped me reach that point. It wasn't easy maintaining such a close friendship with you while simutaneously trying to get over you. You certainly didn't make it easy for me either - you kept telling me about other girls, coming online when you were drunk and telling me how much you missed me, wanted to kiss me, how you wish so-and-so were me, etc. It made me sick to the stomach to think of you with other girls, literally sick. The fact I could even handle being friends is beyond me. In retrospect, I should have stopped being friends with you - I would have gotten over you so much faster, and it would have saved me so much heartbreak. However, I didn't. I don't think you realize just how difficult that process was for me. If you did, you wouldn't have said that. You also wouldn't have said that bit about me being indifferent towards you. To go through a year of hell just to be friends with you, YOU out of everyone else - that's a compliment; don't you DARE tell me I'm indifferent. Don't tell me I had more than enough time to get over you. I clearly care more about this friendship than you. For once, FOR ONCE, I wish you could see that.

And you know, I often bite my tongue when you say shit like that, but not this time. You just shrugged off a year of hell like it was nothing to you - you really don't get it, do you?

Whatever, you can go fuck off now for all I care.

BEST THING I HAVE SEEN ALL DAY

Mail Order Bride

I found this article about a mail order bride. I thought it was interesting!

http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/just-dreaming/articleglamour.aspx?cp-documentid=20522341

Why can't I like/meet a guy that didn't make me anxious?

Then again, wouldn't I feel anxious anyway?

And I have to add:

I hate that I feel like I can't complain. By giving you a second shot, I set myself up for this, so I don't feel like anyone really wants to listen to my problems this time. And I hate feeling like I can't talk to Raj about it. I feel really stupid.

And if you do get back to me later, I'll feel stupid for writing these posts. But no, I probably won't end things, and that's another reason why I can't complain. At the moment, your kisses and company are good enough to put up with this. For now, anyway.

Also, you smell good. Really good. I think that's my achilles' heel.

Bryce,

What are you doing? You're getting the second shot you asked for, but you're ruining it. You told me you're flakey and you generally always take forever to text someone back, so fine. But this is making me anxious when I feel as if I'm being annoying by trying to make plans with you. What happened to the Bryce last week? I liked him. He took me to the beach at midnight when I had a bad day, and all we did was cuddle and dance and kiss. Then we stayed up all night together, and then all of Sunday. And I really felt that you liked me.

But now you're doing something weird. We had plans Wednesday, which you blew off because you weren't feeling well (which I can't blame you for, but...). We had vague plans to go to the farmer's market today, but you couldn't make that. I texted you around noon to see what was going on, and you never replied. I just called and left a voicemail, which you have yet to respond to. Maybe I'm being needy? But I don't think so. I'm just trying to get a gauge on our situation. Perhaps I'm being stupid for making an effort with you. To be honest, if you weren't such an amazing kisser, I don't know if I would be making this effort.

You said you got cold feet last time this happened. Are you getting cold feet again? You said you would talk to me before you did anything foolish (like not talk to me again). However, maybe I'm foolish for believing every compliment you paid me, for believing that you really liked me. And what I hate most is that this situation makes me look like a stupid, pathetic girl who chases after guys that don't want her. Because, in many ways, I suppose that's true.

If you like me, stop playing hard to get. If you like me, act like it. It's obvious that I like you, so quit playing games.

Bryce-a-roni, mmm mm!

I have been doing research on schizophrenia. It's weird because even though I have been told what it is, I always forget - it's one of those things that never sticks with me. I hope I remember this time. People with schizophrenia often act distant and detached (for various reasons I won't dive into). It's a really interesting disorder, and I believe the most common one that deals with the brain? I'm not sure.

Anyway, at the moment, I'm leaning towards giving Bryce another go. I'm nineteen; I'm young and allowed to make potentially stupid mistakes. I have the rest of my life to make "smart" decisions. I like him, and that's all that matters for now. And hey, neither of us likes dogs. That's a pretty nice start.

So many different kinds of confused.

Bryce may possibly be making another entrance in my life. We actually chatted on Facebook for awhile, and we're going to talk again later tonight.

Now that I know what happened a couple of months ago, do I really want him back in my life?

Too much stuff to ponder.

Love Peace and Answers @ 7:02pm
Naomi

Hipstars and Finals for the Weak

Here are some bad jokes I made up yesterday (they probably only make sense to me, possibly a couple of other people), but I want to post it so I can remember them later.

1. If cool guys don't look at explosions, what do they look at? Fuckin' Hipsters.
2. What are hipsters made of? Bricks. (they wish...)

Also, after studying so much earlier today and last night, I can't focus on the one exam I was truly worried about. Merde.

Love Peace and Finals Week (not) @ 6:11pm
Naomi

Love Story meets Viva la Vida

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXtVBJDPs6k it won't let me embed it!

It's quite a nice song though. We're using it for our PSA video for class.

One of the most distracting feelings is feeling like someone's mad at you. This makes it so hard to study. Eurgh.

Hey, hay, hey, hay

According to people in my discussion group, I:

1. am witty
2. have a subtle sense of humor that is refreshing
3. have interesting things to say people haven't thought of
4. am nice
5. have cute shoes

It was really nice to hear. I need more people to sit in a circle and tell me things about me. It feels really awkward, but it's such an ego boost.

And... Until recently, hayfever wasn't a problem I ever dealt with. Ahhh, pills, I was trying to quit you...

Love Peace and "Guns! Weapons!" @ 12:58 in the AM
Naomi

This day sucks because:

1. I felt excluded on my walk with Nicole and Mackenzie, who are high school buddies.
2. We went to get ice cream at DQ and they calorie counted. OMG, shut up!
3. Glenn won't be in his office tomorrow, and he has awkward office hours on Friday.
4. Raj forgot his laptop, and we haven't talked in a few days. I miss my best friend!

I hope tomorrow is better, even though I won't see Glenn...

I was googling images for this post, and I found this. It made me smile.

Heaven that melts in your mouth

http://southernfood.about.com/od/bananabread/r/bl30322m.htm

This recipe for banana bread is so good! (Of course, I turned them into muffins. Still so good!)

Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions

MTV Shows

Thunderstorms and Raindrops

I've downloaded two nature sounds songs (they're both about thirty minutes each). Instead of Benadryl, I will listen to those in hopes they will calm me down enough to sleep. It's worth a shot, anyway. They're very nice to listen to, even when I'm not trying to catch some zzzz's. I'm quite pleased.

Love Peace and The Sound of Rain @ 11:52am
Naomi

PS,

I love this movie.

Curing Insomnia: Experiment #1236

I've decided to stop feeling helpless about my insomnia (to be honest, if I seem like I never want to do anything about my insomnia, it's because I've been one for almost nine years; I have tried many techniques to overcome it - all of which have failed, so excuse me if I am not eager to listen to your suggestions at first.)

Anyway, my insomnia's been getting worse, so some action should probably be taken. This is where my "curing insomnia" experiment comes into play:

For two weeks, starting Monday, June 1st:
1. No Benadryl (aww, but Benadryl's the love of my life! ah well, c'est la vie.)
2. No Caffiene (le gasp, no coffee? perhaps i'll go decaf)
3. Find ways to deal with my anxiety (honestly, the first two won't do anything if I still have all this anxiety)

So, where do I think the source of my anxiety comes from? And what will I do about it?

I'm worried about not getting a job in Bellingham. The job market is terrible right now, and I have a lot of competition with other students. I know it's not my fault, but I feel like everyone else is implying that it is my fault. It's hard not to feel like this is a poor reflection of my character or work ethic when everyone keeps implying that I'm not trying hard enough to find a job, and that's why I don't have one; or perhaps, there's something wrong with me, which is why I am unemployed. It's not my fault! I do not have a major character flaw that hinders my employment opportunities. I will get a job eventually, and I am sorry I'm not the person everyone wants me to be. Seriously, shut up, okay? Okay.

Saying that, I'm worried that by not having a job, I won't have the money to do the things I want to do. I've recently remembered the savings bonds that I have (since I was born until about age ?, I would get savings bonds as presents from family members - talk about a dull gift until you're old enough to understand it, right?) If I can't find a job in the next few months, I do think the savings bonds will be enough for studying abroad next summer. At least I do not have to worry about that (it's the only thing I've really ever wanted to do since I was in high school, and I've definitely had to majorly tweak that dream). I do hope that I will be able to do some of the traveling I've been thinking about after I graduate college though. It's so far off in the future, so I'm not really sure why that is causing me so much anxiety.

Basically... just everything. I think all I can really do is just realize that none of this is stuff I can really control right now. I can't control the economy or job market; I can't make my metabolism faster (however, I can be a bit more active, which I am currently doing). Usually, when I have anxiety about something, I just dive in and get it over with, so that issue won't cause me anymore anxiety. However, when it deals with my future... I can't rush to get it over with. I have no control. I know it's part of growing up, and it terrifies me. I don't know how to deal with it. How do I make my mind shut up, so I can sleep? I'm not really sure.

Love Peace and Penelope @ 9:17pm
Naomi

Dad,

I think I blame you for almost everything, and I'm not sure I'll want to talk to you once I'm financially independent. We never speak on the phone anyway, so I'm sure it will just happen naturally. I won't have to try.

And yes, I'm going to stay an Anthropology major. Fuck Management, Business, Sciences, Engineering, or Economics as majors. I love the social sciences, and I have faith that no matter what I end up doing, I will be more successful than your precious Sylvia. Afterall, she's going to become a Spanish teacher and make no money. Then, she will have kids and have less money. I think I will actually be happy (not that money determines happiness - I do believe I'll be happier than her). So fuck off and leave me alone. Stop talking to me about my future - I don't know yet! It hasn't happened, so stop talking about it. I'm going to start trying to focus on the present and enjoy what's happening now.

Go away.

Love,
Naomi

Gag

I wanted to bake vegan cupcakes for our last discussion group next week (because Austen is vegan, and I want to be nice). However, I don't have one or more of any of the ingredients listed in any of the recipes, and they aren't usually ingredients I would use apart from those recipes. Should I go ahead and make vegan cupcakes, even though it'd be kind of pointless (and expensive) or just make unvegan cupcakes? I'm leaning towards the latter, but she's also going to be in ABN, so I feel like I should be accommodating, but I don't want to. Ugh, vegans make everything worse.

Love Peace and REAL FOOD @ 10:59pm
Naomi

Mistakes in the Background

I am currently excited about this book called Mistakes in the Background by Laura Dockrill. It's just a really cute book of poetry and art. She doesn't try too hard; it's all very imaginative and fun. I love how it came with wrapping paper and stickers - seriously, who does that? Ahh, I'm so excited about it. There's a sticker of a fat dog, and it says: Obese dog loves tacos!



Love Peace and Obese dogs @ 9:20pm
Naomi

Yummy for my tummy:

I tried this Indian restaurant in Lynnwood (Kahlia Indian Cuisine) with my dad today. I have to say that I really liked it! I stuck with lamb korma because I really like it (and it was what I was craving for a few days). It seemed less nutty than the India Grill in Bellingham, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. We had vegetable samosas for an appetizer (I had never had ones the size of my fist before!) I also had naan for the first time, and it was really awesome; I just wish I remembered what was in it... Also, the guy serving had a pretty awesome ring with nine jewels. I think he should be the [be]jeweled king! (Pun intended...)

Anyway, next time I eat Indian food, I think I will try something new. I am trying to be more adventurous. :)

Perhaps I will try Ethiopian food next.

Love Peace and Lamb Korma @9:20pm
Naomi

Technical difficulties...

I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of that huge white bar on the right! I'll be working on that sometime when I properly have time. If anyone knows how to fix it, let me know!

Love Peace and Proper Sleep (which I finally got!) @ 10:43am
Naomi

Hey Kids,

This is my first ever blogspot post! There was a lot of bad stuff floating around with my LiveJournal (pretty much: all my Raj-drama), so I wanted a new blog... And maybe one day, I'll remember all my html stuff (or won't be too lazy to relearn it). But I will check my old livejournal. <3

Anyway, I'm suffering from insomnia + Tylenol PM. I'm peacin' out like a fuckin' hipster (haha).

Love Peace and Floral Prints @ 11:05 PM

Naomi