Thursday, July 16, 2009
Crazy Cat Lady
Possible future cat names...
Female:
Nymphadora, [Stellar] Stella, Kate, Georgette, Colette, Caroline, Magdalene, Lenka, Gemma
Male:
Billy, Pippin, [By] George [I think he's got it!], Bert/Burt
Female:
Nymphadora, [Stellar] Stella, Kate, Georgette, Colette, Caroline, Magdalene, Lenka, Gemma
Male:
Billy, Pippin, [By] George [I think he's got it!], Bert/Burt
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Just a minute... in July.
*idea taken from kissesandcrossstitches
Watching... Hopefully: Skins, Year One, and perhaps see the new Harry Potter if I can handle the chaos surrounding it in the theater. Also: Frasier!
Listening to... Sleep and meditation CDs (I have found them to be quite nice) and lots of pop music.
Reading... Nothing but textbooks, baby.
Drinking... Iced Coffees, Milk, Water, Lemonade, and Sodas; maybe I'll make some homemade lemonade (from scratch) sometime.
Wanting... A new chair for my desk (second hand is okay), furniture for the new place (sofa and a dresser for myself), a canvas for my artistic endeavors, a job, and for Huy to give my camera back and stop “forgetting” to bring it – it's mine! I want to take up photography.
Watching... Hopefully: Skins, Year One, and perhaps see the new Harry Potter if I can handle the chaos surrounding it in the theater. Also: Frasier!
Listening to... Sleep and meditation CDs (I have found them to be quite nice) and lots of pop music.
Reading... Nothing but textbooks, baby.
Drinking... Iced Coffees, Milk, Water, Lemonade, and Sodas; maybe I'll make some homemade lemonade (from scratch) sometime.
Wanting... A new chair for my desk (second hand is okay), furniture for the new place (sofa and a dresser for myself), a canvas for my artistic endeavors, a job, and for Huy to give my camera back and stop “forgetting” to bring it – it's mine! I want to take up photography.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Summer lovin.
When I go home in August for a month, I am going to find something I'm really good at or learn something new about myself. Bonus points for both.
Some other goals to accomplish by the end of summer:
finish some scrapbook pages
apply for scholarships
apply for study abroad programs?
look into internships (international ones, maybe?)
Will return to this list later.
Some other goals to accomplish by the end of summer:
Will return to this list later.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Why can't we be friends?
He did mean that we shouldn't be friends anymore. I talked him out of it, I think. I'm currently thinking we can still be good friends, but perhaps I should keep some things to myself. I will apply the same boundaries I give him to myself (only mild talks of dating and "playing"). That is fair. I would keep my anxiety to myself (since he doesn't understand it), but it's a big part of me and shouldn't be something I have to hold back. Besides, I'm working on lowering my anxiety levels (I will be much happier this way); I hope it won't be a huge deal for too much longer. Maybe he used to be detrimental to my health because he added so much anxiety, but that's not an issue anymore, and I don't want anyone telling me it is. I really am fine now. Trust me, my lack of anxiety surrounding this issue says so.
And I think, despite our conflicts, we are good friends. He says that people are replaceable... to an extent, that is true. But I always kind of miss the friendships I used to have with people, and I think that makes them irreplaceable in a way. You can't forget the part they used to play in your life, and you always kind of miss them. So even though you have new friends now, you still remember and miss the old ones, and that makes them irreplaceable because you won't ever have the same friendship with your old friends again, and your new friends (despite probaby being fucking amazing themselves) won't be exactly the same as the old ones... Fuck, I don't even know if I make sense to anyone but me. Perhaps I'm just too sentimental. I also hate letting go of people. I don't want to replace Raj, and I don't want to be replaced. If I ever relapse and become the same person I was last year, I will end our friendship. However, right now, I'm in a good place.
And that is that.
And I think, despite our conflicts, we are good friends. He says that people are replaceable... to an extent, that is true. But I always kind of miss the friendships I used to have with people, and I think that makes them irreplaceable in a way. You can't forget the part they used to play in your life, and you always kind of miss them. So even though you have new friends now, you still remember and miss the old ones, and that makes them irreplaceable because you won't ever have the same friendship with your old friends again, and your new friends (despite probaby being fucking amazing themselves) won't be exactly the same as the old ones... Fuck, I don't even know if I make sense to anyone but me. Perhaps I'm just too sentimental. I also hate letting go of people. I don't want to replace Raj, and I don't want to be replaced. If I ever relapse and become the same person I was last year, I will end our friendship. However, right now, I'm in a good place.
And that is that.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Say what?
I'm not sure if Raj is implying that we're no longer friends. I'll reply to him tomorrow after I've had time to think and drink...
But I have to say this: I didn't put up with an awful year to NOT be friends with him in the end. I don't know. Maybe I'm just annoyed that he thinks he should be the one to call shots when he's the one at fault. Who knows? I certainly don't. I guess we'll see in the morning.
But I have to say this: I didn't put up with an awful year to NOT be friends with him in the end. I don't know. Maybe I'm just annoyed that he thinks he should be the one to call shots when he's the one at fault. Who knows? I certainly don't. I guess we'll see in the morning.
The ramblings of an insomniac
I've been having trouble sleeping again (no one's surprised here). I don't really think I'm upset about Bryce at all, but I'll wake up thinking about him and having that panicky feeling; it's weird because I really don't care that much about him in the daytime these days.
I'm also angry at Raj; perhaps the angry dialogues we have in my head before I go to bed doesn't help me at all. The whole not-talking-to-each-other-thing is really making me angry and anxious. I know why I'm not talking to him, but I have no idea why he wouldn't talk to me. As far as I know, he has no real reason to be upset with me. For once, I'd like him to understand my point of view and apologize. He doesn't need to appreciate that I'm his friend or anything (like I'm going to force people to feel honored that I'm their friend or something), but it's not okay to shrug off that hellish year - to say it didn't matter. It matters to me, and he's not a good friend if he can't acknowledge that it was a really bad year.
Anyway, enough sad stuff. I should probably clean the bathroom before I head out for 4th of July celebrations. This will probably be the first time in ages where I get to enjoy the 4th. I've never actually drank on the 4th, so I'm kind of excited about that. I also baked a snickerdoodle cake that should be amazing.
Interesting factoid: I got my first kiss two years ago today.
Funny, I'm not talking to him right now.
xx
I'm also angry at Raj; perhaps the angry dialogues we have in my head before I go to bed doesn't help me at all. The whole not-talking-to-each-other-thing is really making me angry and anxious. I know why I'm not talking to him, but I have no idea why he wouldn't talk to me. As far as I know, he has no real reason to be upset with me. For once, I'd like him to understand my point of view and apologize. He doesn't need to appreciate that I'm his friend or anything (like I'm going to force people to feel honored that I'm their friend or something), but it's not okay to shrug off that hellish year - to say it didn't matter. It matters to me, and he's not a good friend if he can't acknowledge that it was a really bad year.
Anyway, enough sad stuff. I should probably clean the bathroom before I head out for 4th of July celebrations. This will probably be the first time in ages where I get to enjoy the 4th. I've never actually drank on the 4th, so I'm kind of excited about that. I also baked a snickerdoodle cake that should be amazing.
Interesting factoid: I got my first kiss two years ago today.
Funny, I'm not talking to him right now.
xx
Friday, July 3, 2009
You're an asshole. Did you know that?
No, Raj, that was not okay to say. Not okay, not okay, not okay.
It took me a year to get over you, and I will very damn well appreciate anyone who helped me reach that point. It wasn't easy maintaining such a close friendship with you while simutaneously trying to get over you. You certainly didn't make it easy for me either - you kept telling me about other girls, coming online when you were drunk and telling me how much you missed me, wanted to kiss me, how you wish so-and-so were me, etc. It made me sick to the stomach to think of you with other girls, literally sick. The fact I could even handle being friends is beyond me. In retrospect, I should have stopped being friends with you - I would have gotten over you so much faster, and it would have saved me so much heartbreak. However, I didn't. I don't think you realize just how difficult that process was for me. If you did, you wouldn't have said that. You also wouldn't have said that bit about me being indifferent towards you. To go through a year of hell just to be friends with you, YOU out of everyone else - that's a compliment; don't you DARE tell me I'm indifferent. Don't tell me I had more than enough time to get over you. I clearly care more about this friendship than you. For once, FOR ONCE, I wish you could see that.
And you know, I often bite my tongue when you say shit like that, but not this time. You just shrugged off a year of hell like it was nothing to you - you really don't get it, do you?
Whatever, you can go fuck off now for all I care.
It took me a year to get over you, and I will very damn well appreciate anyone who helped me reach that point. It wasn't easy maintaining such a close friendship with you while simutaneously trying to get over you. You certainly didn't make it easy for me either - you kept telling me about other girls, coming online when you were drunk and telling me how much you missed me, wanted to kiss me, how you wish so-and-so were me, etc. It made me sick to the stomach to think of you with other girls, literally sick. The fact I could even handle being friends is beyond me. In retrospect, I should have stopped being friends with you - I would have gotten over you so much faster, and it would have saved me so much heartbreak. However, I didn't. I don't think you realize just how difficult that process was for me. If you did, you wouldn't have said that. You also wouldn't have said that bit about me being indifferent towards you. To go through a year of hell just to be friends with you, YOU out of everyone else - that's a compliment; don't you DARE tell me I'm indifferent. Don't tell me I had more than enough time to get over you. I clearly care more about this friendship than you. For once, FOR ONCE, I wish you could see that.
And you know, I often bite my tongue when you say shit like that, but not this time. You just shrugged off a year of hell like it was nothing to you - you really don't get it, do you?
Whatever, you can go fuck off now for all I care.